I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. It is better that I know him. I'm far away from all of that now. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. My husband called it off and she continued to pursue him. Let her go. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. I cannot confront her in public. But I am not vindictive. We treat each other differently now. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. Amazing. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . Dear Mr. My Wifes Secret, You have to confront your wife. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. But the pain never really goes away completely. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. Just remove yourself from the equation. File for divorce dude. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. Do not upset the poor girl. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. It was sweet. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. You will get through this. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? If you need to flag this entry as abusive. Probably not. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, Don't make me explain it to you. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. Rick, thank you for this article. I wonder if you read the replies there. Two more weeks go by with no contact. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. It is my wife I have a business with. Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end. She basically wanted to discuss two things. The person I have business with is my husband. The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). DONT confront your wifes lovers. I speak as an ex-lawyer. You start confronting those guys, and you just opened up a potential legal floodgate That we two have serious problems and good luck. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. I hope you get by. It only shows he does not respect me. I want to slap you! Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. He didn't stand up for us. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. This girl is delusional. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and Just up and moved. But thank God I know! I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. Shes in LOVE with him. I'd also add that if she's cheated this early into the relationshipthen honestly your chances of being married to a potential serial cheater are pretty high. So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". I think it is amazing what you decided to do. This should not be and I will try to avoid Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. No response this time. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. But i hope i can be of some assistance. Their love cannot be denied. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. I agree with this article. It's all good. It made things a lot worse in life. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. So while you may have an They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. I really see no need to address such issue. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. Me? This article originally appeared on YourTango. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing. I divorced him and he married her. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. Do not tell her how you know. OK, so I realize youre probably in a very emotional state right now, and thats justified. But really, your wifes lovers are not the people with WebMy wife is in love with another man. Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. Why? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront. Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. just stop! Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. Do you have a general question youd like to ask? As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. This is easy. I will confront my wife and not her lover. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. The thing is, you WILL get through this. WebYour spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. We CAN FINALLY move forward! She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. You deserve to be a man again. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. We've turned a page. I cannot confront my husbands lover because I have no business with her. Do not reveal how you know. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. WebPlease advise. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. It still hurts and I need to move on. Don't hector, beg, or argue. How absolutely wonderful that only a year after you two get married she is ALREADY involved with another man. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. Your Then, I will confront her openly. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. lol. October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. Your wife had a 20 year affair, and you believe it was none of her fault? She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. That it is normal. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. Always a way out. I atoned for my actions. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! Your son, any pets, and yourself. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. I sent it to his Dr.s office. I caught them and confronted her about the affair three months ago. My wife will even marry the man. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. This is just a new beginning. Incontrovertible proof. I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. Do you want to end the affair? My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. I don't blame her. The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. She wanted to know everything. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. Not yours. She was just trying to "rescue him." He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. How do I confront her? Do not fight around him or anything. Dont ever contact the ow . And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. I cut the cord. This is not the last voyage you will take. He claims they are not. It's ours. For me, it has helped immensely. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. That is all. Got a response. No. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. I have no idea whether they are still in touch. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? I dont have any business with the man. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! This is the way mine went down . Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. It's about us. What I noticed most about her was her voice. But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. She wanted to share everything. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. All rights reserved. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are.
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