Other NVC practitioners have had enough experiences like this that they didn't enjoy, that they have gotten to a point where they overcompensate in the other direction, and avoid using their connection skills in settings where people are trying to get things done. Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. You say, "If we're not willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way, why are we devoting time and effort to nonviolent communication?" Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. It is the norm for some people to get their way (superficially) and for others to submit, or for overt or covert rebellion to happen. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. The Art of Manliness participates in affiliate marketing programs, which means we get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links. Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . Text. This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. Check IP or Email with the Blacklists Database. Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. Keep Body Language Open and Receptive Your body language communicates a lot, sometimes more than the actual words you speak. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. I can easily imagine a context in which the words you quote might have been said. I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. ", You say "Despite his expressed dislike for thinking in general and for judgments in particular, I see Dr. Rosenberg suggesting that an NVC user make an extraordinary number of judgments, to divine the needs of ourselves and others, to respond to the "deeper meanings" beneath another person's words (p.9), to sense the other person's reality (p.97), and, when a request is refused, to guess what the other person is feeling or needing.". When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. Condition: Good. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". (NVC, p.151) and". Please feel free to discard whatever is not useful to you. CleanTalk plugin sends action parameters into the CleanTalk cloud. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Yet, the fact that these judgments are being made is presumably not explicitly shared in the Clean Talk statement that is expressed. I see it offering connection to some aspects of deeper meaning. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. You also write, in regard to NVC, "In not requiring the speaker to reveal how they would benefit, in my opinion, there is a lack of clarity and also a denial of ownership.. You say "Dr. Rosenberg dislikes what he calls 'moralistic judgments' and so has not built into the NVC model a way to consistently and nonviolently communicate them, yet he occasionally adds them to his examples without explaining why he is doing so or how we might safely do so as well (examples on pp. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around. CleanTalk has one of the biggest spam activity database of IP/email addresses. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. After practicing NVC for decades, he still carried around a notebook where he would record his judgments, so that he could work on transforming them when he had a chance. Regarding using giraffe to label someone speaking NVC and jackal to label someone speaking more violently, I agree that this is a risky strategy for trying to support conceptual clarity. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. I invite you to let me know. Note to self: Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly transformative. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. But, practices like The Work of Byron Katie engage more directly in helping people to break free of the traps their beliefs set for them. I am an NVC trainer. Your partner might say, Hmmm, thats an interesting way to do it, when they really mean, Youre doing it wrong. Or for example, you might say to your wife, And here you are finally, late as usual. Youre pretending to make a straightforward observation, but youre really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." Im feeling sad and worried. I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. CleanTalk currently scores 83/100 in the Cyber & Data Security category. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . 1. What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. Anger, and the stories we tell ourselves in association with anger, tend to lead to adversarial reactions. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. The inclusion of a "second-level want" in Clean Talk likely offers some, but not all, of the benefits of NVC's focus on needs. I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. As I understand it, it is not physically possible to voice everything that happens inside our minds. Posted on . As to the risk of making empathy guesses (guesses about anothers observations, feelings, needs, etc.) The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. Might there be valuable ways of using the energy of anger, beyond using it as a wake-up call? His comments came as he spoke to a group of reporters on read more. Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. In 1973, apparently Marshall Rosenberg specifically cautioned against talking about needing something, out of a concern that this would convey an unhelpful sense of Its an emergencyI have to have this thing I say Im needing. Over the years, Marshall wrestled with how to address certain problems that he wanted NVC to be able to address, and this eventually led to Marshall including something he chose to call needs as a central feature of the model. This is true of communication between our body systems as well. I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. This is likely to take some processing. But, I may or may not really express my guesses about the persons reasons out loud to them. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. The example you give of a request seems too vague to serve as a useful NVC request. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. Its a bit of an odd practice, and requires some practice to do skillfully, but it can be effective. By choosing "Accept", you agree to the storage of all types of cookies used on the site. Our expertise stems from decades of experience providing strategic advisory services and marketing communication execution to climate tech companies. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. One could argue that a relative weakness of Clean Talk is that it apparently doesnt aspire to support some of the types of challenging-but-valuable deep change that NVC at its best can contribute to. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). They accomplish this mission but at the expense of trust and intimacy. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). Without proper communication, things in our lives can go haywire very quickly. I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. You write "Without expressing judgments, for example, how do I share my most precious beliefs with my children or those I teach or mentor? I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." I have an understanding that moralistic language is part of a larger pattern of trying to control people through punishment and reward in ways that tend to disconnect people from their own beneficial intrinsic motivations and inner wisdom, and that moralistic language tends to increase separation between people when some of those involved are cast as being at risk of being seen as morally wrong. Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after youve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. Products Bestsellers. Over time, our energy may more naturally go the a way of relating that is not so driven by judgments. Tech/Talk is a lightweight, portable 8 message, multi-level AAC device that helps individuals communicate using direct selection. I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. What are the principles of clean communication? It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. You say "Clean Talk's inclusion of judgments in its basic recipe (data, feeling, judgment, want) is based on a belief that human beings judge all the time, and that we must do so in order to survive. In my language, Id say human beings use discernment all the time, and must do so in order to survive; I think we agree on this. Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. You say "Expressing our judgments may be the only way we can detect the judgments we hold that are inaccurate." "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." What days are New Dawn Works open? Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. Moralistic language and judgments are used to talk about things that matter to people interpersonally. Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. We only recommend products we genuinely like, and purchases made through our links support our mission and the free content we publish here on AoM. We take responsibility for the anger as ours, and not as being about them in the way that it might superficially appear to be. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. You say, "On one hand, this paraphrasing or guessing seems to be trying to compensate for the incapacity of the original exchange to express reasons, which are a type of judgment Its not about any incapacity to express reasons in the model, insofar as the other person is presumed, more often than not, to not know or care about the model. Some NVC practitioners are able to integrate their use of connection skills with keeping a focus on the purpose they are attending to, and this can result in a high degree of effectiveness. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. I suspect it was a habit unique to the person you were listening to. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. I think there are two main strategies for shifting our habit around (moralistic) judgment: The first practice requires setting aside time to do this work, over and over again. Youve always had this flaw, and its not getting any better. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. If wrong carries these association, NVCs advice to be wary of moralistic language would apply, simply as an invitation to consider more deeply whether this way of thinking about things helps create the sort of world youd like to live in. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." We learn to communicate clearly and effectively.
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